Stop Being Nice
May 28, 2026
Books Referenced
No More Mr. Nice Guy - Dr. Robert Glover
Not Nice - Dr. Aziz Gazipura
When I Say No, I Feel Guilty - Manuel J. Smith
The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome - Harriet B. Braiker
To achieve what you want to achieve, you must stop being so nice.
I am not saying you should be an a-hole… You should be kind. But being nice and being kind are two different things. And being “nice” is not a strength. It’s often fear in disguise.
You may say yes when you want to say no. You avoid conflict. You keep the peace… Even at the cost of what you want.
You are just trying to keep people happy, but over time, you become resentful, you never find your purpose, and you lose yourself.
As a “nice-guy” in recovery, I have struggled with being nice for my entire life. I have said “yes” when I wanted to say “no.” I have sacrificed what I wanted to make others happy. I have avoided saying things that needed to be said in order to avoid tough conversations. And I, too, have felt resentment and frustration as a result. To learn about this problem and tackle this challenge, I picked up a few books:
All these authors recognize and describe the same truth. Niceness is often a strategy to avoid conflict and discomfort. And it comes at a cost, ultimately of what we want (and therefore who we can become).
In this article, I’m going to share the difference between being nice and being kind and show you how to stop being “nice” and start being honest, direct, and confident in what you want.
Let’s dig into the nice response, why we do it, the price we pay, and how to stop being so damn self-sacrificing.
Nice vs. Kind
First, let’s address the difference between kindness and niceness.
There are a lot of dictionary definitions of kindness, but my favorite comes from Wikipedia:
“Kindness is a type of behavior marked by acts of generosity, consideration, or concern for others, without expecting praise or reward in return.”
”Nice” is defined as “pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory.”
While these sound similar, the main difference between the two comes down to your mindset. Are you serving others or are you serving yourself?
Kind behaviors are actions we take to serve others, FOR others.
Nice behaviors are actions we take so that we get something in return.
An article in Forbes from 2023 states this very well. The author, Svetlana Whitener puts it like this:
“We act nicely because we want something in return: either for the other person to be nice to us in return or to provide us with something more tangible. Being nice can even be considered a form of manipulation that enables you to get what you want out of a situation.”
Yikes.
Kindness is for others, and niceness is… not.
I was going to say, “niceness is selfish,” but that is not quite right. Selfishness is not inherently bad (this should be a talk for a later date). Where niceness sets us up for failure is in its covert nature.
This is where we get into trouble. Every nice-guy and nice-gal have had the experience where they say, “but wait, I was so nice… why did they treat me so badly? Why did they reject me?”
We acted in a certain way with the expectation to get something in return. When we didn’t get that thing in return, we got upset.
In his book No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert Glover calls these “covert contracts.” These are the expectations we create in our heads: if I do this then they will do that. But we never make them explicit. We never state our expectations.
It sounds obvious when we say it aloud, but if we never state our expectations, we eliminate the chances they are going to be met. People are not mind-readers.
It also makes the solution sound so obvious: all we have to do is say what we want, ask for what we need, make our boundaries clear, etc.
It sounds simple, but instead, we are nice. We let people push against our boundaries. We let other people’s priorities take over our own. We don’t push back when we are uncomfortable.
Why?
The Physiology of Being Nice
Why don’t we push back?
Fear.
It is that simple.
Simple does not mean easy to fix. But it is that simple.
Niceness is used for manipulation or avoidance, and both are rooted in fear.
Think about it. When was the last time you said yes to something you wanted to say no to? What were you afraid of? Conflict? Rejection? Being seen as difficult? Missing out on an opportunity (or being left out)?
When we make “nice” decisions, we are choosing the road of perceived safety and certainty, and that is a fear reaction. When we sacrifice what we want, or when we don’t say what we really think, we feel certain that the other person won’t reject us. We feel sure that we will avoid a confrontation and therefore the negative experiences that comes with it.
Niceness often times equates to avoidance…. Avoidance of the things we fear.
When niceness is used for manipulation, it is also because of fear. A person may fear what will happen if they don’t get their way, so they act nice to manipulate others into getting their way.
For me, I had a fear of rejection (shoot… I still acknowledge this fear). I hated thinking that someone didn’t like me, and if I got even a hint that any relationship was headed that direction I would turn on the niceness. With my fear of losing a relationship, my mind would say, “if I just make them happy, then this will all smooth out and I will be happy too.”
I would hold back my thoughts and opinions to avoid triggering a reaction in that other person. My niceness was avoidance.
When we react with niceness, we are reacting to a stress response. In this way, being nice is like a fight or flight response.
Most people have heard of fight or flight. This is when we feel threatened and our stress response kicks in with feelings of fight or flight: we either run away or put up our dukes and get ready for battle.
But did you know there are two other responses that are part of this same system? In total, the 4 responses are:
- Fight
- Flight
- Freeze
- Fawn
We’ve talked about the first two, already. The freeze response is just like it sounds. We don’t move. Have you ever been so afraid you could not move? I am not ashamed to admit that I have. Animals will often freeze before fleeing to safety. I have a lot of wild rabbits out where I live, and every time I run past one, it freezes and looks at me like, “whatcha gonna do?” It will wait until I get pretty close before it moves.
The fawn response is an interesting one that rarely gets talked about. Think about the phrase “fawning over each other.” It describes two people sharing strong affections. Webster’s dictionary defines “fawn” as “to court favor by a cringing or flattering manner.”
“Cringing or flattering”… we could replace that with “excessive or fake.” When we fawn as a stress response, we diminish our own threat level by pretending to be weak, safe, funny, or affectionate.
Imagine there is conflict in the air, and someone is verbally coming at you. You might deflect with humor. If someone raises their voice, you might soften yours. When stress kicks in and we feel threatened, one response is to diminish our own threat-level to avoid further conflict.
You can imagine how this is a helpful response in many situations.
But when we use this response as avoidance, even when there is no “real” threat, we run into problems.
The Price of Nice
We think we are keeping the peace, but we are actually delaying a bigger explosion.
When we bury our feelings and swallow our needs, we don't actually keep the peace. The resentment slowly builds until it becomes impossible to ignore.
If you’ve ever exploded on someone for something small… then you know it was not about the small thing. It was about the pile of unaddressed things you swept under the rug.
This happens in personal and professional relationships. “Nice” behavior shows up in any and every relationship.
And there are personal and professional consequences.
You are less respected. You feel less fulfilled. And you are furious inside. Because people are not returning to meet the unspoken expectations you have set for them.
Nice guys (and nice leaders) tend to believe: If I'm nice enough, they'll like me. If I meet their needs, they'll meet mine. If I avoid conflict, everything will be fine.
But that is not how the world works. We live and work with people who have different opinions. Conflict is guaranteed.
As a leader, you don't earn your team’s respect by avoiding tension and avoiding tough conversations. You earn respect by telling the truth.
Also, your team expects that you are able to have these conversations. They expect that you share your perspective. If you hold back, your team is wondering, “Can my manager even do their job?”
Bringing this back to personal impact, when we are nice to others and they don’t reciprocate by meeting our expectations, it leads to resentment.
There is a quote attributed to author Neil Strauss: "Unstated expectations are premeditated resentments."
Ouch…
When we don’t share our thoughts, needs, and expectations, there is no way another person could meet them. As such, it is not really fair to resent someone because they can’t read our mind.
When we do share our thoughts, needs, and expectations, we greatly enhance the chances that they will be met. And even if they don’t, good things happen.
That does not mean speaking authentically comes without consequences.
What Happens When You Stop Being Nice
A consequence is simply the result of something. It is the effect after a cause. Growing up through childhood, we typically learn that “consequences” are negative. But they can also be positive.
When we stop being nice, what we really mean is that we stop avoiding and start being authentic.
So, what consequences happen when we start being authentic?
Regarding our relationships, some fall apart, but most get better.
Why would things fall apart when you start being authentic? In those cases, you may have built a relationship under false premises. When you swap out those premises with what you really think, this challenges the other person.
As an example, let’s say you are a carnivore, but you start dating a vegan. You hide your authentic feelings around eating meat and abide by the vegan code. Your partner may be thinking, “oh finally I found a great person who is also a vegan.” If you come out later and admit that you love steak and can’t live without it, then your partner needs to make a decision… and it may not work out in your favor.
But think of the price you pay by not living authentically. You may feel guilty. Or you may feel regretful for missing out on steak dinner. Or you may feel resentful that your partner “doesn’t let you” eat meat… even though this was your own choice.
Most of the time, when you stop being nice and start being clear and direct, your relationships don't fall apart. They actually get better.
Also, you make better decisions because they are based on what you actually want, not on what you think other people want from you. You reduce resentment because you are no longer expecting unspoken needs to be met. Also, you start showing up with real confidence, because you know what you want and are willing to speak up.
Most importantly, you become someone people trust, not just someone people like. And there is a difference. Being liked is easy, but being trusted is earned, and trust comes from authenticity.
So, when we stop being nice, our relationships change (mostly for the better) and we earn more trust.
There is one other consequence worth noting: we quiet our internal world.
When we act in alignment with our needs, instincts, and thoughts… and when we say what we feel and believe… we live with more peace.
When we act out of alignment and we avoid our authenticity, we live with guilt, fear, and unhelpful stories and justifications.
Resentment is a toxic emotion. Niceness can lead to resentment, and authenticity can help us avoid it.
Why This Is So Hard to Change
Most of us know, on some level, that we are too nice. So why don't we just… stop?
Because it is not like changing your shirt. It is battling both identity and nervous system conditioning.
It starts with conditioning. We learn that we can avoid pain, judgment, and discomfort if we are nice (even if the pain is made up in our minds). Also, when we feel threatened, our brains will kick in a lot of feelings to motivate us toward self-protection (remember the fawn response).
After a lot of reps, it becomes who we are. We then build an entire identity around being agreeable, accommodating, and easy to get along with. And identity is the hardest thing to change.
But here's the good news: because it is conditioning, it can be undone. You were not born this way. This is a learned and habitual behavior, and you can change.
Here's how.
Step 1: Tell the Truth (Even When It's Uncomfortable)
Tell the truth. This is where it starts.
Not aggressively and not emotionally. Just… clearly.
Most of us avoid truth because we think it will create conflict or damage relationships. But the opposite is true. Avoiding the truth creates confusion, misalignment, and frustration that eventually poisons the relationship anyways.
You know those moments when you hear something in a meeting and you think, "That's not right," but you say nothing? Or when someone asks if a plan works for you and you say "yeah, sure" even though it doesn't?
That is the nice response.
The honest response sounds like: "I don't think this is the right direction, here's why." Or, "That actually doesn't work for me. Can we find another time?"
This is not harsh, or aggressive, or judgmental... Just true.
As Dr. Aziz Gazipura writes in Not Nice: speak honestly, even if your voice shakes.
Remember, truth builds trust and silence builds resentment.
Start by telling the truth.
Step 2: Learn to Say No (Without Apologizing for It)
Say no and don’t apologize for it.
I get it… This one is hard. Really hard.
For nice people, saying no feels like rejection, like conflict, like selfishness. So we say yes. And yes. And yes again. Until we are completely overextended and resentment kicks in.
Here's a reframe that had a huge impact on my perspective: every yes to something misaligned is a no to something that matters.
When I said yes to that extra work project, that meant no to more family time. When I said yes to that OTHER work project, that meant no to my workout time.
It sounds obvious when I say this, but everything we do with our time comes at the expense of every other thing we could be doing with that time. Saying no ensures we can focus and prioritize what really matters.
The book When I Say No, I Feel Guilty is built on this idea. You don't need permission to have boundaries. You don't need to justify your no with a five-paragraph essay. You don't owe anyone an apology for knowing what you want.
It can sound like: "I can't take that on right now." Or you can simply say, "That doesn't work for me."
It will feel uncomfortable at first, but that discomfort is not a signal that you are doing something wrong. It’s just a signal that you are doing something new. Keep at it and it will feel normal.
Step 3: Stop Seeking Approval
Stop seeking approval. This is the root of the whole thing.
Niceness is almost always driven by a core belief: I need people to like me.
So, we adjust our behavior. We filter our opinions. We suppress our needs. We twist ourselves into whatever shape we think the other person wants us to be.
The irony is, the more we seek approval, the less respect we receive. And guess what? Not everyone is going to like you. I am reminded of a quote attributed to the philosopher Elbert Hubbard, “To avoid criticism, say nothing, do nothing, be nothing.” If you are doing anything of importance, there are surely going to be people who don’t like you.
Plus, people respect those who know who they are and are willing to be authentic, even when it is uncomfortable.
As Dr. Glover notes in No More Mr. Nice Guy, people-pleasing often comes from the core belief that you must become what others want in order to be accepted. But when you chase acceptance by hiding your authentic self, you have nothing real left to offer them… or yourself. Who are you when you are not pretending?
Stop performing for others. Stop seeking their approval.
Instead, seek your own approval. Take note of what you like and what you don’t. Then own it. What hobbies do you have? Do you really care about professional football stats? Are you really into that type of wine? Do you actually give a crap about what is going on with The Kardashians?
Lean into what you like and enjoy. Then own it.
Step 4: Be Kind, Not Nice
In case I didn’t make it clear earlier, I am not telling you to become harsh, cold, or aggressive. I am telling you to become honest and grounded.
There is a difference between niceness and kindness, and it matters.
Remember:
- Niceness avoids conflict. Kindness addresses it.
- Niceness seeks approval. Kindness acts with integrity.
- Niceness suppresses truth. Kindness speaks it.
- Niceness gives to get. Kindness gives freely.
- Kindness is strength. Niceness is avoidance pretending to be virtue.
You can be warm AND honest. You can be caring AND direct. You can love someone AND tell them the truth. In fact, that's the only way real love and real leadership actually work.
Step 5: Build a New Identity
Identity drives behavior. Always.
When you see yourself as someone who speaks up, someone who sets boundaries, someone who leads with truth, your actions will follow. Not perfectly, and not all at once, but they will follow.
The identity shift is reflected in your beliefs and self-talk. Itsounds like this: from "I'm a nice person" to "I'm a clear, honest person." From "I don't want to rock the boat" to "I say what needs to be said."
That identity shift is where your leadership evolves. That is where your life evolves.
If you are the perpetual nice person, then saying “no” is like trying on a new identity… even if it is your authentic self. After you successfully act with authenticity, celebrate that moment. It can be an internal high five, or a smile, or a verbal acknowledgement. But you DO have to acknowledge that you acted authentically.
Repeated over time, this builds new habits and a new identity.
The Wrap Up
Let’s summarize what we’ve spoken about.
Stop being nice, because niceness is costing you your integrity and wellbeing.
The resentment, the burnout, the frustration, the struggling relationships… that is the price of nice. And you have been paying it long enough.
Life on the other side looks different. You will have clearer communication, stronger relationships, decisions you can stand behind, and confidence that is real, not performed.
And you don't need to be louder, colder,
or more aggressive. You just need to be honest, direct, and aligned with who you actually are.
So, say what needs to be said. Set the boundary. Lead with truth.
I'm rooting for you, my friend.
Go out there and crush it.
Clark