The Power of TED

Books Referenced

The Power of TED - David Emerald

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(Fair warning… this one is a doozy [for length], so buckle up)

Generally speaking, our brains avoid risk.

We love safety.

And obviously we need to be safe. I mean, dangers can kill us.

But our brain-wiring for safety often leads us astray.

Actually, to be more specific… it doesn’t lead us anywhere.

It keeps us stuck. Trapped.

You ever heard a story about the high-school football star who never made anything of his life?

He had everything going for him. He was athletic, charismatic, and had a bright future ahead… but 20 years later, he hasn’t made anything of himself and just drinks beer and reminisces over the glory days.

Or what about the homecoming queen who settled into an unhappy life and never took action to do anything different?

I know these are just stereotypes, but I know these stories exist.

There are people who make excuses for never doing the things they wanted to do.

But there are folks on the other end of the spectrum as well…

Why is it that some people can create repeated success in their lives, and others wallow in defeat?

Richard Branson, Elon Musk, Warren Buffet. These guys have built successful companies multiple times over.

But then… we have athletes like Ryan Leaf, Johnny Manziel. These guys had everything going for them… but now?

This contrast exists in us as well…

Why is it that sometimes we feel invincible and in control, and other times we feel trapped and helpless?

I have been there, and I’m sure you have too.

Well, there is a great book called The Power of TED, written by David Emerald, which explores the mindsets that lead to success and failure.

To be more specific, the mindsets that keep us stuck and set us free.

Today, we are talking about those mindsets, and the power of TED.

The Situation

I have worked with hundreds of leaders and high performers, and no matter how successful they are, or have been, all of them have struggled with a mindset that holds them back.

This goes for ourselves as well.

We all have felt, at one time or another, that life was unfair.

I know I started this conversation with a story about the high-school athlete and how he ends up reliving the glory days… but let’s bring this into our own common experience.

Have you ever been in a situation where you have a bad experience with another person, but instead of speaking up about it… you don’t say anything?

Maybe your boss gets angry at a meeting and berates you.

Maybe a coworker is going to miss a deadline so you have to pick up the slack.

Maybe your spouse says something that hurts you.

But instead of saying anything… you hide your feelings and reactions and say nothing at all.

Have you ever been guilty of this?

News flash, EVERYONE has done this.

But consider what happens next.

We feel hurt by the other person, and we start to blame them for how we feel.

We start to think:

My boss is a jerk…

My coworker is lazy…

My spouse just doesn’t understand…

In all these cases, the real problem is not the other person…

The real problem is our inability… or indecision…. to speak up act on our own behalf.

To say what we feel… what we want… and what we need.

If we speak up in the moment, and say, “whoa… that comment feels inappropriate. What’s going on?”

We might learn that the other person is going through a hard time.

But instead, we stay in our own heads, immersed in our own feelings, and then blame the other person for making us feel bad.

This is a human response, by the way. Nothing is wrong with us for doing this. It just happens to be a very ineffective way to live… and live with others.

In those moments, something is holding us back from speaking up and taking action.

The problem is… most people are not aware of what is actually holding them back.

Before we can talk about how we move forward, we have to talk about this…

What holds us back

The biggest problem… the biggest thing holding us back in these situations is this:

It is the Victim Mindset.

We pretend to be a victim.

And yes… we pretend.

It is like we are a part of a drama or fairy tale… and we are like Cinderella, we believe we are surrounded by wicked stepmothers and evil stepsisters.

We can’t do anything or say anything. We

When we play the victim, we are literally playing a character in a story…

In a drama…

and to be more specific… in a drama triangle.

Now friends, before I teach you this concept… please beware. Drama Triangles are everywhere, and once you know about them, you will begin to see them everywhere.

In the workplace, and in coaching and organization development, we call these communication triangles.

This is where person A has a problem with person B, but instead of talking to person B about things, they go talk to person C.

They complain. They gossip. They talk. They do everything except taking action and talking to person B about the problem.

This is destructive behavior.

I joke with my clients that if I were hired to go in and ruin companies, I would go and create as many communication triangles as possible.

I would make it the default behavior.

Anyways… the communication triangle is a drama triangle, and each person plays a role, and has a name or archetype.

Mind you… The Drama Triangle was not an original idea from David Emerald. It actually comes from Stephen Karpman’s work in the 1960s.

Karpman’s drama triangle includes three roles:

The Victim

The first is the victim.

The victim is the person who has been hurt. They feel out of control (not like “wild child” out of control… but that they literally do not have control).

The victim feels powerless, helpless, hopeless, and at the mercy of others.

The victim will say things like “this isn’t my fault. That’s not fair,” and. “why me?”

For the record… playing the victim and being victimized are two different things.

When someone acts against us against our will, we are being victimized.

When someone uses their power against our will, we are being victimized.

We are victimized when we experience an act of violence, or when we are cut off in traffic…

But playing the victim is when we are in a situation where we could do something… but we don’t.

Instead, we justify our inaction by saying, “it’s not my fault,” or, “I can’t say anything to that person.

This is the folly of the victim mindset.

We pretend to be an actual victim who is powerless, when in reality we have the power to act.

We will talk more about why we do this later.

In order for the victim to feel helpless, they need a person or situation to make them feel that way.

That is why the second role in the drama triangle is “The Persecutor.”

The Persecutor

The persecutor is the cause of the victim's problems and pain.

Persecutors are those, in the victim’s mind, who are out to get them.

The persecutor inflicts injustice upon them.

When the victim says “I can’t,” it is because they are blaming the persecutor.

The persecutor does not have to be a person. It can be a situation as well. For our conversation, we will continue to talk as if the persecutor is a person.

But here is the interesting thing. The persecutor is a victim too.

The persecutor says, “it’s not my fault… whose fault is it? Whose head is gonna roll?”

The persecutor is avoiding taking ownership by shifting blame on someone else.

David Emerald notes how we can shift back and forth between these two roles. He also notes how both these characters feel out of control. They are jaded.

If your boss says, “this isn’t my fault… whose fault is this?!” They are playing both the victim and the persecutor. They are avoiding responsibility as well as seeking a target to blame.

Now in this drama triangle we still need one more role.

In the old fairy tales, the victim is the damsel in distress.

The persecutor is the dragon guarding the castle.

Who comes to save the day?

The knight in shining armor.

The Rescuer

In the drama triangle, this person is called “The Rescuer.”

The rescuer thrives on Drama because they get to step in and save the day.

While the victim thinks “poor me. This isn’t my fault. The persecutor is out to get me!”

The rescuer thinks “Poor you. This isn’t your fault…. I’ll save you.”

They jump in, take action, fix things, and hooray! They feel great!

And the rescuer gets to feel valued and important in being able to help the victim.

I will admit… I am a rescuer… or am a recovering rescuer.

I love being helpful. I love solving problems. But I also love feeling valued by others for the help I give.

This puts me at risk for rescuing behavior.

We will talk about why this is a problem in a moment… but first, what are other rescuing behaviors?

Let’s say a friend comes to complain to you and has no intention of taking action. If you validate their feelings, you are rescuing.

If a coworker has a problem with another person, and YOU go talk to that person on their behalf, you are rescuing.

If a peer or direct report needs help with a project, and you step in to help, you are rescuing.

Now at this point, you may be thinking. “Wait a minute, are all of those really rescuing behaviors? Are you saying I shouldn’t listen to my friends vent their frustrations?”

These are fair questions.

With the rescuing behavior above, I want to add a caveat.

We are rescuing when we take action for another person because we believe they are helpless, and they need us to solve their problem.

I believe there is a version of “constructive rescuing” where we take action for another person to support them, AND we believe they are creative, resourceful, and whole. They don’t NEED my help, but I offer my help.”

For example, I have a coworker who can do all the tasks they need to do. They have the skill and ability. If my boss shortens the deadline, I can be a constructive rescuer and help out. I know they have the skills and ability, but I also know they need support. From this point of view, I am not taking action because I need to feel valued. I am not taking action because I am thinking, “oh poor you… it’s not your fault… here, I’ll save you.”

Consider the last time you helped save someone.

Did you help with your kid’s science project maybe a little too much?

Did you go talk to the teacher or coach on behalf of your child?

Did you do something for a coworker because it benefited you more than them?

These are rescuing behaviors.

Recognizing the Triangle

Why am I sharing all three of these roles with you?

It is because triangles are everywhere, and we often show up in at least one of those roles.

When we show up in any one of these roles, we are contributing to drama.

When we look for someone to blame, we are being the Persecutor.

When we complain about our problems, and don’t take action, we are playing the victim.

When we jump in to take action on behalf of another, we are rescuing them.

Even when we listen to a friend and validate their feelings, we are playing a rescuer.

Victims are victims (obviously).

Persecutors create victims through blame and attack.

Rescuers unintentionally create and attract victims.

When I work with leaders, we often identify how they are unintentionally showing up in each of these 3 roles.

And in doing so, they unintentionally create a team of victims.

This inhibits workplace culture and morale.

When we play any of these roles, we are living in drama.

And it keeps us stuck.

It keeps our teams stuck.

It keeps our families stuck.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

There is another way… another mindset that can set us free.

That mindset - is that of the creator…

The Creator Mindset

David Emerald tells this story, where he is going through a divorce… and he feels like a victim… and he is tired of it.

So, he asked himself a question… “What is the opposite of a Victim.”

The answer came to him immediately.

“The opposite of the victim is the creator.”

From this insight he developed a new triangle…. one that empowers us to take action and own our destiny.

Instead of being the victim who has no control and feels helpless, the Creator owns their situation.

The creator takes responsibility.

Even if something is not directly their fault…

While the Victim is focused on the problem and is immersed in their feelings of distress, The creator is focused on what they want.

They are focused on a solution.

This, in turn, fills them with passion and a drive to act.

In the book, David Emerald describes a concept he calls FISBE.

The victim and the creator have a different FISBE.

What does this mean?

F = Focus

IS = Inner State

BE = Behavior

This is a clever acronym to essentially describe the principle “you become what you think about.”

That principle has been said in many different ways across history.

But the author notes that the focus of the victim and the creator are different.

A victim focuses on the problem. A creator focuses on what they want (a vision).

The inner state is a response to this focus.

The victim’s inner state is one of stress. The creator’s inner state is one of passion.

And of course, their behavior is going to be different.

The victim is going to be in a state of avoidance.

The creator will be in a state of action.

These behaviors are a result of emotions, which are a result of thoughts.

Focus matters.

Now, the creator is going to face challenges… but they don’t see people as persecutors who are out to get them…

They see these individuals as challengers, who give them the opportunity to step up, take action and grow.

The Challenger

In this new dynamic, the challenger takes the place of the persecutor.

While we can show up as a challenger, this role is mainly one of perspective from the viewpoint of the creator.

To say this simply, depending on your mindset (victim or creator), you will see people as either persecutors or challengers regardless of their behavior. This is dependent on your mindset.

David Emerald notes that challengers can show up in two different ways: positive and negative.

A negative challenger would demonstrate persecutor behavior. They would be destructive, angry, blaming, etc. But remember, they would still be seen as a challenger from the viewpoint of the creator.

There are also positive challengers.

These are the people who know what we are capable of so they give us big goals, get clear performance expectations, and have high standards. They build us up by saying things like, “I believe in you.”

We can show up as positive challengers at work, at home, in our relationships, for ourselves! It only requires that we bring our creator mindset to the table. That we believe other people are capable of solving their own problems and stepping up to a challenge.

There is still one more role.

Given that a Creator is focused on what they want and taking action, they don’t want or need a rescuer. But they do need a guide.

That person is the coach.

The Coach

The coach plays the role of the guide.

Coaches have a core belief that other people are creative, resourceful, and whole.

While they may teach, the coach works with the creator to help them discover their strengths, identify obstacles, overcome their inner-victim, and take action.

As a human, we will always be navigating the inner feelings and voices of fear, uncertainty, and doubt. When we listen to these voices and feelings, we take on a victim mindset.

A coach can help us navigate these stories and help us continue to show up as a creator.

The Empowerment Dynamic

This version of the triangle, David Emerald called The Empowerment Dynamic.

In the drama triangle all the characters lead with beliefs that they are victims, helpless, and need saving.

The characters in the Empowerment Dynamic lead with self-belief. The creator believes they have the power to create their future, to impact outcomes, and to change. The coach believes the creator is capable. The challenger also believes in the creator.

So… Thanks to Karpman and Emerald, we have language to describe how we are showing up… and to determine where we might be stripping our own power.

Overall, the creator is the one who achieves.

The Victim stays stuck.

But remember, these are not just roles… They are mindsets.

“The creator” is a mindset.

And it is not a mindset where some are just lucky to have it…. it is a mindset we can develop.

Here’s how.

(By the way, these topics are not in The Power of TED. These are principles and frameworks I use for myself and with my clients).

Building the Creator Mindset

Take responsibility

The first step in building the creator mindset is to take responsibility.

This means taking ownership over every aspect of your life. GOOD OR BAD.

Your health. Your work. Your relationships. Your growth. Your stagnation. Your happiness. EVERYTHING.

Start by taking inventory on where you are crushing it and where you are not.

There are many tools you can use here… the life wheel is a common one.

Or you can just make a list.

I’d suggest starting with the following list to asses the health of major aspects of your life:

• Physical Health
• Relationship Health
• Romantic Health
• Financial Health
• Professional Health
• Spiritual Health

You can rate yourself on a scale of 1-10.

Notice where you are feeling good and where you are not.

Then take ownership.

It is easy to take ownership of where we are crushing it.

Are you doing well at work? You might think, “Yeah, that’s all me.”

Doing well in the gym? “Yeah, that’s all me too!”

Struggling with a relationship? “No that’s not my fault!”

Poor financial health? “Ah, the markets are just bad.”

Those last two are victim statements.

That is not the language of the creator.

Creators take responsibility.

Now of course, LIFE is going to happen to you. A family member may get sick. You may lose your job for reasons outside of your control.

While we can’t exactly take responsibility for things the universe has in store, we absolutely CAN take responsibility for how we respond.

This can be one of the hardest things to do (accept responsibility). Especially because some things are genuinely out of our control.

Every decision we ever made, or avoided, has landed us right in this spot.

And if life happened, and something happened that was fully out of our control, then we at least chose the attitude which we brought (and bring) to the table.

I come from a health and fitness background. I would work with victim clients who would say, “Oh I couldn’t work out last week because I had work, and my kids had a school function, and I got sick.”

Now this may sound reasonable to you…

But my “Creator” clients had a different point of view. They would say, I chose not to workout last week.” Or, “I didn’t work out last week because I chose to focus on work, and my kid’s school event.”

Guess which clients got better results?

The difference in these 2 perspectives… is ownership.

“I couldn’t”… vs “I choose…”

Start by taking ownership over your choices to act or not act.

After taking responsibility, we can move to step 2: figure out what you want.

What do you want?

What goals are you working toward? How are you growing?

When thinking about what you want… there are 3 general realms of performance to consider:

Realm one is the Personal Realm.

This is all about YOU. Your growth. Your development.

This might include your health and fitness. Your learning goals. Striving for self-mastery.

Whatever it is, it is all about you. Take care of yourself first! Without developing realm 1, we will be limited to how we can grow realm 2.

Realm 2 is the relational realm.

This is all about our relationships.

This could be our spouse, family, kids, friends, or even coworkers.

This realm is about the quality of relationships we have. Your goals here may differ depending on which relationships you are focused on.

You may want different things in different relationships, and that is ok. Butat least create clarity!

Our clarity and progress in realm 2 will serve as an accelerator or inhibitor to realm 3 - our professional realm.

This is all about our work and productivity. How are we building something to be in service of others.

(we will unpack service to others at a later date, but it is important that our professional realm contributes to something greater than ourselves).

OK….

So, we have taken responsibility, and we know what we want.

What is next?

Taking action.

Take Action

Creators take action in alignment with what they want.

Procrastinators are not creators.

I say that knowing I am a recovering procrastinator.

When I used to procrastinate, I would say, “Oh I can’t do that task now… I need more time. I need to plan more. If only I had more resources, then I could do the thing.”

This is textbook victim mindset.

Creators choose to take action.

Looking at your list of goals, how are you taking regular action to make progress?

Where can you take even the smallest action to make progress toward your goal?

With these three steps, we can shift our mindset away from victimhood and toward empowerment.

But that does not mean we are changed and all is right with the world.

We are going to slip back into victim mode…. this is a human reaction.

So what do we do about that?

Battling the victim mindset

Listen friends, the victim mindset exists because it is easy. It is comfortable.

No matter how much of a creator you are… the victim mindset is always there, just waiting for an opportunity to pounce.

Comfort is just one poor decision away. (damn… quote me on that… that goes on a t-shirt).

I work with leaders who are responsible for millions (or billions) in revenue. They have 10’s to hundreds of people on their team. There is a burden to taking responsibility. With that kind of pressure, it can be tempting to say, “I don’t want that responsibility.”

But it is not just leaders who bear this burden. We all have responsibilities.

Let’s take our health, for example. Each of us is responsible for our own health. No one is going to eat well and exercise for us.

When you go to the gym for 6 weeks straight and don’t see results, the victim voice may whisper to you…

“Hey it’s not your fault. It’s just genetics. There is nothing you can do.”

It can be tempting to succumb to this voice.

Don’t do it.

With a plan… you can recognize this voice for what it is.

It goes by many names:

• The Fear Voice
• The Gremlin
• The Critic
• The Inner Bitch

Whatever you want to call it, just know that this voice has a job to keep you safe.

There is safety in avoiding risk and avoiding responsibility.

When we play the victim, we don’t have to face the pain of failure. The pain of suffering through effort.

But remember, all growth happens (and only happens) outside our comfort zone.

When you hear yourself making an excuse, shift your language from the victim: “I can’t” to the creator: “I choose.”

You may go from, “I can’t have that conversation with my coworker,” to, “I’m choosing to have this conversation at a later time because I am emotionally fired up right now.”

That other voice… the empowered voice… it also goes by many names:

• The Inner Advocate
• The Faith Voice
• The Higher Self

Whatever you want to call it, recognize it. Lean into it. Let it guide you.

The Wrap up

Remember friends, the victim mindset is one that keeps us stuck in the past, never growing, always complaining, and always feeling distressed.

But we have the power to build an empowering mindset…. the creator mindset.

Take ownership, know what you want, and take action.

It may not be easy… but it is simple.

Go crush it friends,

And until next time.

Clark